a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
