Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
