Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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