I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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