Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
