this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
