1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
foreskin is a definite game changer
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
