Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
