I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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