oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
