seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
