i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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