Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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