Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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