i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize