you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
