if i died would you start the facebook group?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
