Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
