two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
