i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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