So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
