I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
