Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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