Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
