Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
