booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
