Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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