I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
