Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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