I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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