if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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