I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
