i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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