i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
