Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
