My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
