After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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