So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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