also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
