she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
