I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
