just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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