I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
