we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
