i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
