Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't deserve a penis
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize