I puked a lego.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
