dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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