you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How's work?
Spinning.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
