it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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