I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
