i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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