just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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