i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize