im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
