Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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