Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
